Inspiration...

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. That...and Starbucks.

In Real Life...

From the movie, "Dan in Real Life"

The new year crept up like some quiet, calculating cat, only to pounce right on top of me. I can't believe so much time has passed by since my last post. Did I not have anything to say? Was real life so interesting and mesmerizing that I forgot to post....ever? I have to laugh now. No, real life was definitely not so mesmerizing, nor interesting, or even a hint of exciting. My school position back in June was in limbo for the new year, I took a summer job working full time, I had to pack up things from a storage unit right before starting the new school year again, when my job came out of the long limbo again. Since that time, each day, week, and month has seemed to fly by....routine stuff, you know. You get up early, fix breakfast, fix lunches, get dressed and go to work, you transport from school, work long hours, eyes going wonky with data, fix dinner, make sure homework is done, baths, clothes for next day....yep...the routine.

Now that I have had 2 weeks off for Winter Break, I have finally come back full circle to not having my brain waves integrated with the old routine. I have been free to laugh, sleep, be lazy, travel a wee bit, cook, bake pastries, watch old movies, and read books. It is like not having a mirror, and then suddenly you find one hanging on a wall and you see yourself...."Ahhh....there you are."

I have always pledged to the idea of a New Year's resolution. As I sat and watch Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve last night, and saw the blingy and very fabulous Lady Gaga bring that shiny Times Square crystal ball down....I realized, "no resolutions". Yes, you heard me....Lea has finally gone rogue, where concerning New Years. This is the year I have no stated, nor fantasy goals, no 1,2,3 items.....nada. I am taking each day as it comes.....rogue style.

So a very Happy New Year to all of you out there. May your new year be an adventure, your personal resolutions be met, and may my own "clean slate" be filled with surprise.

So maybe one plan for me.....plan to be surprised.

Mind Like Water

What I have learned recently is that if there is something that causes you to overreact or even to underreact, it can 'control' you. In addition, I have acknowledged my past relationships and found clarity in the truth of the story. I see the good in people. I see and believe the good in people and at times even when the seemingly 'good person' is acting quite badly, I make excuses, try to help them, and overlook the fact that I am the one hurt in the end. Afterwards, the residue of a broken and hurtful relationship defines me as the victim. This is not a residue that I want to have. This residue is always there, and aids in the decision making, magnifies the moments when you know you underreact or overreact to a situation, and strangely, at least for me, it beefs up your empathy. Empathy is a wonderful quality to embrace, but not if it blinds you to people that seek to take advantage of you.

I had a thought-provoking conversation with a co-worker last week that led to some revelations about myself. We also uncovered some revelations about him, as well. It was nice to talk to someone that was simply a friend, but held a male perspective. The end result was that we did not want to consider ourselves 'victims' anymore. If you believe you are a victim, or a casualty of intimacy, then you put up walls. Walls lead to isolation, and a disconnect to who your core-self truly is. It may seem like protection, but it really is more of a "faux-protection". What it leads up to is vulnerability. Being vulnerable is part of being human, but being encased in vulnerability is a dangerous thing. Believe me....I know.

I have the need to change even more about myself. It is not about changing myself in the hopes of finding that one soulmate that I have seemed to elude my whole life. It is entirely about being still in the moment to see myself. The truth I found for myself, is to have a mind like water. Mizu no kokoro is 'mind like water' in Japanese and a phrase found frequently in Zen literature. It refers to a state of mind that mirrors water’s flowing, reflective, and adaptive capacities.

"As you think, so shall you become."
~Bruce Lee

I have spent this past year struggling to clear out all the gray noise in my head. I have been feeling the need to find an organic starting point and to find a clarity to enable me to reroute my way of approaching things. I don't want to feel like a victim anymore. Not from past abusive relationships, past tragedies and loss, from health struggles, or even the personal disappointments from the workplace. I have been operating my life from the 'problems out' mode. I got it backwards. It is time to 'flip it'. Time to clear my mind of all gray noise, all that leftover residue, much like cleaning out the fridge to my psyche. Afterall, they say that an empty mind does a better job of thinking.

I leave you with a quote from someone I admire:

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
~Bruce Lee

NaBloPoMo 30: Free Falling

Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?
~Frida Kahlo

Being in love with "stuff" in your life, is only a temporary high, and can cause you to become obsessive, intense...and plain, old cranky. Being obsessed with material things is not healthy for the soul. I have observed some friends that seem to feel like they have a void in their life, so they simply fill it with things....they buy "things". The scary part is that their "things" become more and more expensive, bigger, and shinier. I ask -- does this stuff fill their life with more meaning?

Only they can answer that question for themseves, but I see them buy stuff when they are depressed, buy stuff to show others their love, giving it without words, and they seem emotionally disconnected. I think it may be a way to not deal with emotions, kind of like blocking that connection, to "buy", rather than to talk, share, or connect.

Life is certainly a mystery, I can tell you that. As we get older in life, we learn that we know more about what we "didn't know" when we were young. We learn to pick ourselves up after tragedy, or hardship, and we learn to have goals. For those of us that have a shorter shelf life, I can honestly say that lusting after material things, yearning for better, shinier things, will leave you empty in the end. I can say this because I have struggled financially all of my life. From a devastating marriage to the hardship of divorce, to the perils of single parenting...I have not fell into the trap of material lusting...I had more important things to keep me busy! I have fought the fight to keep a roof over our heads, to put food on the table, to play, sing and act goofy...to be parent, friend, counselor, laundress, chef, and comedian. There was never any money for great shiny things....nor the time to sit around and worry about what I didn't have. We simply survived with laughter!

I am happy. I am in love with life. I am sharing my love of life with my kids, so that they have that happiness inside them...no matter what the future brings. When we watched the Royal wedding, we didn't see the dress, the hair, the celebrities...we saw William's subtle flushed face, Kate's infectious smile....his whisper to her that "she looked beautiful....beautiful". The wedding was not pomp and circumstance for me....it was hope. It was a magic moment that I was glad me and the kids were able to see together.

So, my last thought for this LAST NaBloPoMo post is simply to share a quote from a favorite poet:

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. "
~Emily Dickinson

NaBloPoMo 29: Things That Make Me Smile

National Blog Posting Month: To join--go HERE

Things that make me smile are:

My kids...

My cat...

The beach...

A cold cherry cola...

And ---- Pirates...

NaBloPoMo 28: Just Dance

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Talk about the best wedding you ever attended.

The best wedding I ever attended was my cousin Cathy's. She was married down in Texas, and though it was hot, humid and had a sticky west Texas wind....there was also cold cerveza, vino, and a Mariachi band. It was hot---but my gosh---there was DANCING !!!

I danced the night away with my Uncle Max, and gave much comical laughter to all Cathy's new family. They thought we were crazy! But, I think we did the jitterbug much justice. LOL

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NaBloPoMo 27: Play Time

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Which piece of playground equipment would you go to first as a child -- the slides or the swings?

Though our little elementary school in NW Arkansas certainly had a playground equipped with swings, monkey bars, see-saws and one big, shiny slide....it was where I went when at home that I loved the best! At the end of Ray Lane was a sweet, elderly woman, Mrs. Ogilvie, that my Momma would go visit. She had the best backyard! I remember it was filled with berry bushes, honeysuckle and an old tree with a tire swing. While my Momma sat inside visiting, I would go outside and swing--swing---swing!!! I miss those times, when life was simple, and good neighbors were your best friends.

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