Mind Like Water

What I have learned recently is that if there is something that causes you to overreact or even to underreact, it can 'control' you. In addition, I have acknowledged my past relationships and found clarity in the truth of the story. I see the good in people. I see and believe the good in people and at times even when the seemingly 'good person' is acting quite badly, I make excuses, try to help them, and overlook the fact that I am the one hurt in the end. Afterwards, the residue of a broken and hurtful relationship defines me as the victim. This is not a residue that I want to have. This residue is always there, and aids in the decision making, magnifies the moments when you know you underreact or overreact to a situation, and strangely, at least for me, it beefs up your empathy. Empathy is a wonderful quality to embrace, but not if it blinds you to people that seek to take advantage of you.

I had a thought-provoking conversation with a co-worker last week that led to some revelations about myself. We also uncovered some revelations about him, as well. It was nice to talk to someone that was simply a friend, but held a male perspective. The end result was that we did not want to consider ourselves 'victims' anymore. If you believe you are a victim, or a casualty of intimacy, then you put up walls. Walls lead to isolation, and a disconnect to who your core-self truly is. It may seem like protection, but it really is more of a "faux-protection". What it leads up to is vulnerability. Being vulnerable is part of being human, but being encased in vulnerability is a dangerous thing. Believe me....I know.

I have the need to change even more about myself. It is not about changing myself in the hopes of finding that one soulmate that I have seemed to elude my whole life. It is entirely about being still in the moment to see myself. The truth I found for myself, is to have a mind like water. Mizu no kokoro is 'mind like water' in Japanese and a phrase found frequently in Zen literature. It refers to a state of mind that mirrors water’s flowing, reflective, and adaptive capacities.

"As you think, so shall you become."
~Bruce Lee

I have spent this past year struggling to clear out all the gray noise in my head. I have been feeling the need to find an organic starting point and to find a clarity to enable me to reroute my way of approaching things. I don't want to feel like a victim anymore. Not from past abusive relationships, past tragedies and loss, from health struggles, or even the personal disappointments from the workplace. I have been operating my life from the 'problems out' mode. I got it backwards. It is time to 'flip it'. Time to clear my mind of all gray noise, all that leftover residue, much like cleaning out the fridge to my psyche. Afterall, they say that an empty mind does a better job of thinking.

I leave you with a quote from someone I admire:

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
~Bruce Lee

NaBloPoMo 30: Free Falling

Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?
~Frida Kahlo

Being in love with "stuff" in your life, is only a temporary high, and can cause you to become obsessive, intense...and plain, old cranky. Being obsessed with material things is not healthy for the soul. I have observed some friends that seem to feel like they have a void in their life, so they simply fill it with things....they buy "things". The scary part is that their "things" become more and more expensive, bigger, and shinier. I ask -- does this stuff fill their life with more meaning?

Only they can answer that question for themseves, but I see them buy stuff when they are depressed, buy stuff to show others their love, giving it without words, and they seem emotionally disconnected. I think it may be a way to not deal with emotions, kind of like blocking that connection, to "buy", rather than to talk, share, or connect.

Life is certainly a mystery, I can tell you that. As we get older in life, we learn that we know more about what we "didn't know" when we were young. We learn to pick ourselves up after tragedy, or hardship, and we learn to have goals. For those of us that have a shorter shelf life, I can honestly say that lusting after material things, yearning for better, shinier things, will leave you empty in the end. I can say this because I have struggled financially all of my life. From a devastating marriage to the hardship of divorce, to the perils of single parenting...I have not fell into the trap of material lusting...I had more important things to keep me busy! I have fought the fight to keep a roof over our heads, to put food on the table, to play, sing and act goofy...to be parent, friend, counselor, laundress, chef, and comedian. There was never any money for great shiny things....nor the time to sit around and worry about what I didn't have. We simply survived with laughter!

I am happy. I am in love with life. I am sharing my love of life with my kids, so that they have that happiness inside them...no matter what the future brings. When we watched the Royal wedding, we didn't see the dress, the hair, the celebrities...we saw William's subtle flushed face, Kate's infectious smile....his whisper to her that "she looked beautiful....beautiful". The wedding was not pomp and circumstance for me....it was hope. It was a magic moment that I was glad me and the kids were able to see together.

So, my last thought for this LAST NaBloPoMo post is simply to share a quote from a favorite poet:

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. "
~Emily Dickinson

NaBloPoMo 29: Things That Make Me Smile

National Blog Posting Month: To join--go HERE

Things that make me smile are:

My kids...

My cat...

The beach...

A cold cherry cola...

And ---- Pirates...

NaBloPoMo 28: Just Dance

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Talk about the best wedding you ever attended.

The best wedding I ever attended was my cousin Cathy's. She was married down in Texas, and though it was hot, humid and had a sticky west Texas wind....there was also cold cerveza, vino, and a Mariachi band. It was hot---but my gosh---there was DANCING !!!

I danced the night away with my Uncle Max, and gave much comical laughter to all Cathy's new family. They thought we were crazy! But, I think we did the jitterbug much justice. LOL

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NaBloPoMo 27: Play Time

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Which piece of playground equipment would you go to first as a child -- the slides or the swings?

Though our little elementary school in NW Arkansas certainly had a playground equipped with swings, monkey bars, see-saws and one big, shiny slide....it was where I went when at home that I loved the best! At the end of Ray Lane was a sweet, elderly woman, Mrs. Ogilvie, that my Momma would go visit. She had the best backyard! I remember it was filled with berry bushes, honeysuckle and an old tree with a tire swing. While my Momma sat inside visiting, I would go outside and swing--swing---swing!!! I miss those times, when life was simple, and good neighbors were your best friends.

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NaBloPoMo 26: UnWinding

Tuesday, April 26, 2011
How do you unwind after a hard day?

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it."
~Lily Tomlin

I like to grab a cup of hot tea, my afghan throw, and turn on an old black & white classic movie. For that 90 minutes or so, I am transported out of my own reality and into a curious and light-hearted fantasy.

How do you unwind at the end of the day?

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NaBloPoMo 25: Waiting in Line

Monday, April 25, 2011

What do you do while waiting in line?

I think about Alan Rickman....what do you do?

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NaBloPoMo 24: Happy Easter

To encounter Jesus is existentially difficult. It can make one feel uncomfortable, and it can even be considered scary. Today's society has continued to build a strong pressure to reinterpret the resurrection, to explain it in scientific terms, or the choice has sadly become to not deal with it at all.
My father taught me to look to the truth in all religious organizations. "What lies in a man's heart is what is closest to God." I have held an open heart since that time that we sat in the old kitchen back in Arkansas. My mother taught me to believe in God and all of the mystery, even if I did not understand it. This, I have learned...is faith. For this Easter day post, I celebrate the wisdom that comes from those I hold in high regard:

"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples." ~Dalai Lama

"In heaven, all is peace and gladness. But, alas, all is not so on earth!" ~Pope Benedict XVI

No one can live very long without love. We need to give love to others, and we need to receive it ourselves. God hardwired that yearning into our nature. It's His signature on our soul.~Archbishop Chaput (First Native American Archbishop in the United States)

“Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.” ~Ezra Taft Benson (13th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)

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NaBloPoMo 23: Like Baklava

I am a writer of poetry. I gather my thoughts, layered with rich memories. Pain and sorrow baked into the reflections of a decade. Connections fragmented like pieces of nut, embracing those spices of each cherished moment. Life announces itself to me and shows me what is most important as it drips its sweetness like honey on each day. Like baklava, life has become my guilty pleasure, to enjoy...to savor...to live.

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NaBloPoMo 22: Qualities

Friday, April 22, 2011

What qualities do you look for in a role model?

"Someone who can speak their truth".
What I mean by this is a person that knows who they are and celebrates their dfferences with others. Each of us carries intrinsic value, we are defined by character, experiences and the life story that has shaped us. It is important to know that we communicate from that place that our life story was built, and to know that others communicate from theirs. Differences should not divide us, but teach us.

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NaBloPoMo 21: Music To My Ears

A song that resinates with me is:
Elton John - I Want Love

A song that puts a smile on my face is:
Savage Garden - I Want You

A song that uplifts me is:
Yolanda Adams - Victory

A song of reflection for me is:
Pura Fe - Let Heaven Show

A song to close your eyes to is:
Apocalyptica - Fade to Black

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NaBloPoMo 20: Magic

Tell about a time that made you believe that magic was real.

When you first fall in love there is this unspoken sense of superpower. The feeling reminds me of an invisible surge of inner energy. You are suddenly weightless in the world. You have a heightened sense of awareness, your thoughts become selfless as the other person fills your mind. Moments of connection through shared thoughts and dreams, laughter and nostalgia bring about a feeling like none other. Have you ever experienced sparks when you touch hands? It makes you believe that there is real magic happening. I have felt this once is my life. I was not standing on carpet...there was not static in my hair. I can tell you that it was phenomenal!

We all want to fall in love. Why?
Because that experience makes us feel completely alive,
where every sense is heightened,
and every emotion is magnified.
Our everyday reality is shattered
and we are flying into the heavens.
It may only last a moment, an hour, or an afternoon,
but that doesn't diminish its value,
because we are left with memories
that we treasure for the rest of our lives.
~From the movie The Mirror Has Two Faces

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NaBloPoMo 19: Dreading

Tuesday, April 19, 2011
What are you dreading?

I dread the day I can no longer walk.

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NaBloPoMo 18: Trees

Monday, April 18, 2011

If you could have a tree in your yard that would sprout anything, what type of tree would you have?

For today's question I asked my kids what type of tree they would want...
My son instantly said, "Mom! I want a money tree". I asked why, and he said so that his Mom wouldn't have to work.
My daughter quickly said, "Momma, I want a maple tree". I again asked why, to which she stated...Momma, so we could have waffles in the morning!

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NaBloPoMo 17: Silent Sunday

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NaBloPoMo 16: "No Bridle Required"

Photo above belongs to photographer, Art Wolfe.

As a little girl, I was long fascinated by the mystery of the horse. Our next door neighbor had a horse that I fed apples and carrots to in the late afternoons. It had these huge glistening brown eyes that seemed to look through me, and sometimes out past me. I could tell her my secrets, my fears, and all the while her loud chomping would strangely make music to my ears. I loved reading books about horses, spent time sitting up in the old crabapple tree drawing sketches of horses. My most heralded horse was the wild mustang. To me, I felt all horses should be free. The picture painted in my mind was of small herds running wildly across the fields of wildflowers, slowing down only slightly to run through a winding river. So, I share this exhibit, from one of my favorite photographers, with you. I think Art defines their mystique just right, my favorite photo is the one above because of his use of angle and light. Hope you enjoy!

Art Wolfe's gallery exhibit "UNBRIDLED" is currently showing at the Art Wolfe Gallery in Seattle's SODO district. The exhibit features seventeen new pieces—the largest being nearly 10 feet in length.

"From the classic royalty of the Lusitano to the casual confidence of the American quarterhorse to the spirited herds of the Camargue, the horse has long captivated me as a symbol of power, grace and form." ~Art Wolfe

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PhotoHunt: "Road"

The theme this week is road.

If you travel out of Portland, Oregon on I-84 E, you will have this view.

Want to join the hunt? Visit TNChick here.

Friday, April 15, 2011

What is something you always have with you?

I have had this little silver cross for years. I keep it close.

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NaBloPoMo #14: Scariest !

Thursday, April 14, 2011

What is the scariest thing you've ever done?

The scariest thing I ever did was in college. I did a photo project of a KKK rally. In February, 1988, a KKK rally was coordinated at the federal courthouse in Fort Smith, Arkansas. At this event was a large number of Skinheads used as the muscle and "bouncers" of the demonstration. I remember feeling like I was in a sea of hate and anger. I was surrounded by tall, pale, bald men. I think at one point, I held my breath, as the leader of the group turned his head and stared at me and the camera in my hand. I didn't budge from my angle, took some quick shots, then stepped back into the crowd and tried to blend. I got some great shots, and my teacher was happy --- I, on the other hand, was scared for days.

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NaBloPoMo #13: Missed

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Who do you miss?

Last night I had a dream about my home town. I dreamed I was at the old house I grew up in and it was dark, empty and dusty. I then walked down Ray Lane around the corner to my Mom's best friend's house. The Ogilvie house still stood, and I could tell someone was inside. As I reached up to knock on the door, Sharon answered. She was older, but had the same warm smile. She ushered me in and began to tell stories about herself and Mom. She pulled out a photo album and shared pictures. In my dream I instantly felt that pain in my heart of loss. I missed her. I missed my Mom. Sharon told me not to worry, I was supposed to see her soon. I woke up and felt that same pain...loss...memories flooding my mind, for a few moments...then I felt at peace. I miss Momma.

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NaBloPoMo #12: Dr. Who

Bowties. Are. Cool.

NaBloPoMo #11: Perceptions

Monday, April 11, 2011

What three words do you hope other people use to describe you?

Perception is a funny, quirky thing. I perceive myself different than what friends tell me. Let's just say that I auditioned myself for the great play of life....and I didn't get the part! In answering the question above... what 3 words do I hope people describe me? I would hope these three: Spirit--Compassion--Artist. Perceptions of "self " reflect what work we still have left to do. I have a project--that project is to believe in myself, to know I am of worth, that I am loved. The lab work of the project is to devise the method of throwing out the baggage that I have collected along the train ride of my life. I am ready to throw open that train window and toss those heavy, ugly bags out!

How do you see yourself? What 3 words do you hope for?

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NaBloPoMo #10: Beautiful Life

Cultivate beauty in your life... This is something I strive for. What I want to leave behind is a legacy-- not of beauty, but of love. I try to value the everyday things, seeing importance in being "present" in the moment.

We can't put a pause button on life, though I would love to, especially when things seem to go wrong. It would be great to press pause...take a time out, and avoid the bads things. Instead, get mad at those bad things, find inspiration instead. Find something to get excited about. Find joy in simple everyday, ordinary things. Eat ice cream on a park bench in winter and sing Christmas songs in July. Laugh. Laugh alot. Inspire others. Put something out there in the world. Cultivate happiness around you and grow a beautiful life.

"For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” ~Vincent van Gogh

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NaBloPoMo #9

"This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet."

~Rumi

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NaBloPoMo #8

Friday, April 8, 2011

What is one thing you are looking forward to this weekend?

Corn Chowder !!

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NaBloPoMo #7: "Lucky"

The next lucky move...

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NaBloPoMo 6: Halfway There

We made it. It's Wednesday now...marking the middle of the work week. We are halfway to Friday night, for those that kick-it-up dancing & dining....halfway to Saturday morning, for those that yearn for a morning to sleep in and lay around with indulgence and no guilt. I really am glad for this day, it puts a positive spin on the day. I find myself already thinking of the things I want to do on the weekend...what baking I will do, what movies I'll watch...or places I'll go. It is here --- finally---Monday is but a memory... Now go...play some Earth, Wind & Fire....get your groove on...it's Hump Day!

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NaBloPoMo 5

What are you waiting for at this very moment?

I am waiting on summer! Right now in Oregon, we were tricked by Mother Nature into thinking that is was spring. We have trees blossoming, flowers starting to bloom, and a few days with actual sunshine. This entire week our forecast includes cooler temperatures, overcast skies and rain. It feels like January again. I am anticipating the summer sun, green grass and balmy air. Here are some pictures of last summer, here in the Willamette valley.

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NaBloPoMo 4: Blue Monday

"Blue oblivion, largely lit, smiled and smiled at me." ~William R. Benet

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Question for today:How do you usually feel at the beginning of a journey?

NaBloPoMo 3: The Run

Where did you run today? Now there's a question you don't often hear.

~Joe Henderson

Step lightly, run fast. This has been my mantra. Life can throw you some insanely harsh curve balls, and if you are not looking, they can take you down. Even is you are lucky enough for life to pass you by on adversity, it is not fun to walk heavily each day, taking note of your list of "to dos", worrying about the things that may go wrong. I like the words of this Chinese poem, to “drift like clouds and flow like water.” I am, and have been struggling with a disease. I can freely talk about it now, as I have shared it with my supervisor at work. It is not easy to say to people, I'm sick. Mostly, I hate the responses of ... "Oh, but you look fine". And I calmly reply.."Yes, I am not in a wheechair, I can still converse, speak and even tell jokes. I am still standing." The most important point is that I am learning to live life, step lightly, and run fast. I have been diagnosed with motor neuron disease, which I refer to as... "the big Lou". It is not a pleasant disease to have, but I will tell you I would rather have Parkinson's disease a hundred times over, like they first diagnosed me with, than this thing. I have accepted that my doctors believe this about me, BUT, most importantly, I also believe that doctors don't know everything. So, back to the above quote's question... "Where did you run to today?" I ran to my future, no matter what length, to step lightly, and drift like a cloud, finding happiness in each moment.

Where did you run?

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NaBloPoMo 2

Little Earth Stars

To some the dandelion is a weed; but not to me, unless it takes more than its share of space, for I always miss these little earth stars when they are absent. They intensify the sunshine shimmering on the lawn, making one smile involuntarily when seeing them. Moreover, they awaken pleasant memories, for a childhood in which dandelions had no part is a defective experience.

Source: "The Home Acre," by E. P. Roe

NaBloPoMo 1

Today's Writing prompt: "What are you ready to let go of?"

"I like to give my inhibitions a bath now and then." ~Oliver Reed

I am ready to let go of my inhibitions. That negative part of myself that self criticizes, feels uncertain, and doubts. A close friend of mine laughs at how I manage to sabatoge myself. We have had long talks about childhood, personal relationships, and most importantly the fact that men are not from Mars afterall... they are just down the street, and around the corner... we just didn't know it.

It sounds easy to be able to just live freely without any self doubt. Look closely...yep... there it is, that little varmit, self esteem. It is elusive at times. I can't seem to grab hold of it all the time, as it seems to float away. Since April's NaBloPoMo theme is "Sprout", I thought it rather good to start off with my first post with a goal of mine for this month: To sprout wings of self esteem and fly. Destination... open heart.

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Finding

Just living is not enough... one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.

~Hans Christian Anderson

I find it strange to have lived in a city for so many years now. Being from a small town in Northwest Arkansas, time passed slowly, nights were quiet and peaceful... you could hear your own hearbeat. Here, the city has the heartbeat. The Max swooshes by, TriMet pulls out in front of cars causing Portland drivers to scowl, cyclists weave in and out of side areas waving their hands occasionally to signal a random turn.

The city waits for no one and time passes quickly. Too quickly. The local news station blares news of another teenager missing in the city, parents and relatives paralyzed with fear and worry. In the city, another day of gray skies and rain.

I wait anxiously for the rain to stop. I am patient in waiting for the roses to begin their blooming season. I too wait, and worry about the young girl that is missing and a student of one of our partners in education.

Today, I am reminding myself to simplify my mind and actions. Finding a few moments of sun today, knowing that I can breath the air and am a free person, and looking for that one flower that has bloomed so that I may revel in its solitary beauty...these are the things I remind myself of today. I pray for the young girl to be found, safely, and soon.

What things do you find peace in?

PhotoHunt: "Caged"

I found an old photo I took at the Portland, Oregon zoo. This is the enclosed area for the rainforest. I remember the humid walk through and feeling the invisible mist that seemed to encase us. It was an amazing exhibit. From this view, you get a sense of "caged".

If you would like to join the PhotoHunt, just go to TNChick. Join the sharing each Saturday!

Look, Listen...Stand Still

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.
~Albert Einstein

Immersing yourself into a daily dose of CNN can be damaging to your psyche. I have found that to take in all the sorrow and tragedy of global events, I have to provide a balance, as well. It is not about self, or even placing a blind eye to current events, but for me, it is about digging deeper not into conversations, or political straight talk, but making that dive into nature itself.

My blogging adventure began a few years ago when I met a handful of bloggers that shared my love of ocean, coastline, driftwood and sea glass. There is something about looking out towards vast water, listening to small waves swooshing their sea talk at leisure. I feel connected. I feel at peace. It brings me closer to God.

I used to always question God, for the bad things that happen to those I have loved and admired in my life. I have lost two close friends to cancer just in the past few years, and I wondered why? Why do bad things happen to good people? It can be all too easy to ask that same question for events of Katrina, Haiti, Chile, and now Japan. Why? What purpose? This is where I take my "empathy" to the sea.

The truth is that when you surround yourself in nature and connect, you get back to being. You gain that clarity to look at life's hard moments and situations and realize that God's agenda is love...only. God does not cause nor create these natural catastrophes, he does not take loved ones for plot or ploy. Life is always and forever about changes. Change occurs moment to moment. What defines us, what builds our character is the ability to roll with the punches, to wrap our arms around life and give it a big bear hug. Nature has taught me to look, listen...and stand still. The best news is....I'm still standing.

“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

Not a destination, but the journey

A Horse With No Name

I sit astride life like a bad rider on a horse.

~Ludwig Wittgenstein

If something unpleasant, annoying or just downright bad is going to happen, then it seems to happen to me. I admit that in my younger years I rode the trail of chaos much like a greenhorn. I was naive, highly sensitive and believed in life behind the white picket fence. I never ventured out beyond the idea of the white picket fence, and never pondered what happened to Cinderella after she married the prince.

Now, I am not so naive, live down the street and around the block from the picket fence, and no longer in my younger years, rather my "extraña" years. I have accepted that things happen in life...okay, rather...they "happen" to me. I may still ride the horse of adversity, and may still consider myself a bad rider, but the point is...I am still on the horse.

For instance--this week is Spring Break. So far this week I have had my brake system go out, my microwave blew up, I killed a chicken...okay it was actually already dead...rather I burned a chicken, and the funny thing is...much like the lyrics of the song, "I've been through the desert on a horse with no name...It felt good to be out of the rain"...I am thankful for our home and having that roof over our heads...especially since it rained, and rained....and rained. It is still raining tonight.

I'm good--life's good. I'm checking my no named horse's bridle, and will mosey along....no spurs necessary.

First Post

Let me introduce myself. I am a strange tree. Seriously, I am. I am often strong, caring and animated, but at times I am a nerdy-nerd, a bit free-spirited, and an idiot. When I am in the idiot mode, I am much like an idiot of uncertainy rolled up in a tortilla of doubt. I know this about myself. I embrace this strangeness, it is what makes me human.

I have managed other blogs through the years, each leaning towards an interest or folly. I even tried to have a blog once to be my "authentic" self, and the funny thing is...that particular blog, I edited each post, and every thought more than all the other blogs put together.

So here it is. My blog about anything, everything, or nothing at all...or anything strange. My personal goal...to write....and write often.

Welcome. More to come.