What I have learned recently is that if there is something that causes you to overreact or even to underreact, it can 'control' you. In addition, I have acknowledged my past relationships and found clarity in the truth of the story. I see the good in people. I see and believe the good in people and at times even when the seemingly 'good person' is acting quite badly, I make excuses, try to help them, and overlook the fact that I am the one hurt in the end. Afterwards, the residue of a broken and hurtful relationship defines me as the victim. This is not a residue that I want to have. This residue is always there, and aids in the decision making, magnifies the moments when you know you underreact or overreact to a situation, and strangely, at least for me, it beefs up your empathy. Empathy is a wonderful quality to embrace, but not if it blinds you to people that seek to take advantage of you.
I had a thought-provoking conversation with a co-worker last week that led to some revelations about myself. We also uncovered some revelations about him, as well. It was nice to talk to someone that was simply a friend, but held a male perspective. The end result was that we did not want to consider ourselves 'victims' anymore. If you believe you are a victim, or a casualty of intimacy, then you put up walls. Walls lead to isolation, and a disconnect to who your core-self truly is. It may seem like protection, but it really is more of a "faux-protection". What it leads up to is vulnerability. Being vulnerable is part of being human, but being encased in vulnerability is a dangerous thing. Believe me....I know.
I have the need to change even more about myself. It is not about changing myself in the hopes of finding that one soulmate that I have seemed to elude my whole life. It is entirely about being still in the moment to see myself. The truth I found for myself, is to have a mind like water. Mizu no kokoro is 'mind like water' in Japanese and a phrase found frequently in Zen literature. It refers to a state of mind that mirrors water’s flowing, reflective, and adaptive capacities.
"As you think, so shall you become."
I have spent this past year struggling to clear out all the gray noise in my head. I have been feeling the need to find an organic starting point and to find a clarity to enable me to reroute my way of approaching things. I don't want to feel like a victim anymore. Not from past abusive relationships, past tragedies and loss, from health struggles, or even the personal disappointments from the workplace. I have been operating my life from the 'problems out' mode. I got it backwards. It is time to 'flip it'. Time to clear my mind of all gray noise, all that leftover residue, much like cleaning out the fridge to my psyche. Afterall, they say that an empty mind does a better job of thinking.
I leave you with a quote from someone I admire:
“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”